Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
