So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
