then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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