My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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