if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
