I love black thongs
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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