girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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