i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
