Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
