You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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