just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
