I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
