so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He felt like a one man threesome
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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