if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
