Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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