if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
