and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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