I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
