Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize