We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
