I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
