So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
