I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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