Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
