ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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