I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize