...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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