1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
