If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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