Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Drunk walkin through police station. America
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize