...so i touched it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize