I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
