come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
