If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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