I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
