One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
