If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
