cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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