Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
