she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
