Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
