i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize