booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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