I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
