I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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