wakey wakey hands off snakey
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
