Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize