My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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