i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
