I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
