There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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