pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
