New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
