you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
