i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
