Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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