i think my mom watched the whole time
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
