just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
